


i love you

by Beckers522



Series: Ineffable Husbands Playlist [5]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Based on a Billie Eilish Song, First Kiss, Holy Water, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Scene: Body Swap (Good Omens), Quote: You go too fast for me Crowley (Good Omens), Scene: Soho 1967 (Good Omens), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-27 19:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20765996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beckers522/pseuds/Beckers522
Summary: This love has existed between Angel and Demon for centuries, never acknowledged. Never spoken out loud. There are reasons they must keep silent, must never let it show. To admit how they feel, to finally say those words would mean the end for them both.Songfic to "i love you" by Billie Eilish.





	i love you

He miracled himself into the car.

Aziraphale supposed he could have just walked up to it and opened the door. Even if the doors had been locked, that wouldn’t have stopped him. There wasn’t a metallic mechanism in all of creation, no matter how intricate, that could stop an angel on a mission. Still, the idea of putting one foot in front of the other as he crossed the narrow street to arrive at the Bentley’s side made Aziraphale’s stomach want to invert itself. It was too great a distance, too many seconds where he could still change his mind.

Best to do this all at once. Rip the band-aid off in one go, as it were. There was less of a chance he would turn and run away if he had already shut himself inside of the car.

Silence enveloped him. The black metal walls that surrounded the angel blocked out all the noise that rang through the streets of Soho better than he thought they could. A little too well, if he was being honest with himself. He wished there was some sort of music or sound or something that could fill the space around him. Anything to distract Aziraphale from the dark thoughts circling around in his mind.

_ Don’t do this. You don’t have to give it to him. He asked, you said ‘no’. End of discussion. Sure, he didn’t speak with you for seventy-nine years, but that’s over now. Crowley’s back in your life. The Arrangement is back on. There’s no reason for this madness. There is no reason he has to even know what you’ve done. You could miracle yourself back to the bookshop in a jiffy and he would be none the wiser. _

Aziraphale sighed. His heart ached with a heaviness that he couldn’t put words to - couldn’t understand. The container tucked away in his coat pocket seemed to burn with intensity, dragging him  _ downdowndown  _ with the weight of all that it could be. All the destruction it could bring.

His whole life could be ruined because of this one decision.

A soft, slow piano started to play and the angel sighed in momentary relief. He glanced down at the radio and smiled, reaching forward to pat the steering wheel softly.

“Thank you.”

The Bentley continued to play and Aziraphale sat in tense silence, his blue eyes dancing over the hustle and bustle swarming around him. Neon lights illuminated the streets, casting a technicolor glow across his lap and the black leather beneath his fingertips. The angel’s hand shifted slightly in his lap, fingers reflecting different hues of pink, yellow, green as they drifted through the space around him. A rainbow of lights across his skin. He wondered, would it be wrong to take this as a sign? Were the only promises worth anything ones that came  _ after  _ a storm?

What if it all goes pear-shaped? That was what Crowley had said all those years ago. What had he meant? He’d wanted insurance, but insurance for what? Aziraphale was no expert in business or economics, but he was no fool. Humans came up with all types of insurance policies over the years. Fire, flood, life, health....not all of them benefited the one who acquired them.

_ Please don’t do this. Why are you doing this? Why would you risk your life to acquire the one thing in this world that could destroy you?  _

They weren’t talking just discorporation. As inconvenient as it would be for Crowley to be discorporated, Aziraphale could live with that. He was immortal, after all. It may take some time, but Crowley would be issued a new body eventually. The demon was one of Hell’s best operatives. They’d return him to earth soon enough.

But this? This was something entirely different. Entirely all-too-terrible to even think about. And Aziraphale had thought about it over and over and over again. He was unable to  _ not  _ think about it. The spiraling, heart-thumping, breath-stopping, overwhelming feeling that had taken hold of him the moment his eyes had read those god-forsaken words. All these years and it had never left him. Only in the brief moments where he’d felt Crowley at his side did Aziraphale find reprieve. 

_ Please. Don’t do this. Don’t leave me here. Don’t leave me behind. I was lying, please, I need you. _

The terror was mounting. Aziraphale could feel it in his chest, heart beating wildly against the bony cage that held it in. With each pulse, a stab of pain echoed through his entire being. The angel forced himself to breathe in air he didn’t need. Forced himself to listen to the lilting music filling the space around him. Was this Beethovan or Litzt? He had no idea.

The situation was out of his hands now. Crowley had made up his mind and Aziraphale had only one choice left. He could do nothing or he could give the demon what he’d asked for.

Aziraphale had chosen to trust Crowley.

Crowley was his….well he was - they had an Arrangement. One that had been Crowley’s idea at the start. Surely, the demon wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that. What a waste of hundreds of years that would be.

The music cut off as a figure approached the car, crossing over in front before opening the driver’s side door and slipping in, black leather pants squeaking as they rubbed up against the black leather seats. 

“What are you doing here?”

Words so familiar, yet so foreign. Spoken once twenty-six years ago in disbelief toward one of them who had come to save. Spoken now in resignation to one of them who had come to destroy.

“I needed a word with you.”

A word. A word about capers and churches and stupid,  _ idiotic _ demons risking their lives for something so dangerous. A word about loyalty and trust and  _ pleasepleaseplease _ don’t leave. A single word etched into his heart.  _ Stay.  _

He couldn't say it out loud.

Aziraphale didn’t know what he had expected, but the all consuming nothingness that entered his heart as he handed the thermos over had not existed as a posibility. Relief would have made sense, to no longer have to carry this burden. Despair, at the thought of what Crowley might do with it. He felt nothing but emptiness - a wide cavern opening up inside his heart, never to be filled again.

“Should I say ‘thank you’?”

“Better not.”  _ No. Don’t thank me for this. Don’t thank me for handing you a container of destruction. Don’t thank me for being so terrified to lose you. I’m not supposed to care for you. I’m not supposed to need you the way that I do. So don’t thank me. Don’t thank me for giving you a way to say goodbye. _

“Well, can I drop you anywhere?”

“No, thank you.” Aziraphale looked over at Crowley. He should have been surprised to see the sorrow on the demon’s face. Black sunglasses shielded the amber, snake-like eyes, but Aziraphale didn’t need to see them to know how Crowley was feeling.

“Oh, don’t look so disappointed.” He shouldn’t be comforting this creature. Crowley was the one balancing on the precipice, that tartan thermos a ticking time-bomb in his lap. Aziraphale had never hated anything so much in his life. “Perhaps one day we could, I don’t know, go for a picnic. Dine at the Ritz.”

_ I want to do those things. Please, I want to do those things with you. Do you feel the same? If we keep making plans, will you stay? Will you stay with me, keep staying with me, day after day after day? For the rest of eternity? _

“I’ll give you a lift. Anywhere you want to go.”

A simple enough offer. One that humans gave to each other all the time. And yet, between these two eternal beings, it meant so much more.  _ I’ll give you a lift. Wherever you want. Let me take you there. Let me come with you. Let me be where you want to be. Let the place you want to be, be me. Let me stay with you. Forever. I love you.  _

For the first time, Aziraphale felt it, deep within his core. He barely managed to stop his breath from catching in his lungs. For the first time, the angel believed it could be possible and therefore it was. A wave of love, so deep and so strong pulsed outward from Crowley like a shockwave. It brought tears to his eyes and a tremble to his hands and Aziraphale wondered how he had never felt it between them before.

It had taken a decimated church and a little demonic miracle for him to accept the depths of his feelings, but Crowley had known all along. He’d always been the quicker of the two of them. Always adapting with the times, changing his hair to fit in with the fashionable, picking up languages and customs faster than they came into being. 

Aziraphale was an angel, and angels were built to sense love. This love was everywhere, he didn’t just sense it with his heart, he saw it in shimmering waves in the air around them, heard it as glittering chimes and choruses of music in his ears. It prickled across his skin, filling his nostrils with the sweetest, sharpest fragrance as he breathed in. He tasted it on his tongue - a mixture of dark chocolate and spiced rum. Of strawberries and rich red wine. It was everything Aziraphale never knew he wanted.

The angel felt a little bit of him die inside.

_ It's not true _ __   
_ Tell me I've been lied to _ __   
_ Crying isn't like you _ _   
_ __ Oh-oh-oh

“You go too fast for me, Crowley.”

And then he was gone.

* * *

_ What the hell did I do? _ __   
_ Never been the type to _ __   
_ Let someone see right through _ _   
_ __ Oh-oh-oh

What the  _ fuck  _ just happened?

Crowley stared at the space in the seat where Aziraphale had just been, the tartan thermos still heavy in his hands. The demon blinked, horrified to find a single tear sneaking its way down his cheek. Hastily, he wiped it away. 

Aziraphale had approached him, talked to him. Aziraphale had known about the robbery. Aziraphale had given him holy water. 

Aziraphale had left.

_ Why? Why did you leave, angel? Why did you sound so sad? Did you see through me? You can’t have. I’m always so so careful around you. Shields up, walls firm. Can’t see around walls of stone. Can’t see through barriers of reflective iron.  _

_ Can’t see how much I want you. _

There had been a moment. A brief flicker of time where something might have leaked through. Crowley’s love for the angel was a bright beacon amidst an ocean of darkness, held back by the sheer force of his will and the tiny stone box he had stuffed it in. Strong, solid, altogether impenetrable except when it wasn’t. Except for the moment when Aziraphale, his angel, had handed him an unimaginable gift.

_ Be careful. Be safe. I trust you. Please don’t destroy yourself.  _ Crowley had heard the message loud and clear.  _ I need you. I care for you. Please don’t go. _

Wherever would he go? What other place in the universe was worth leaving his angel behind? Crowley would never abandon Aziraphale. The angel was the only thing in his life that made it worthwhile.

_ He cares _ . The realization hit Crowley full force without warning. He’d had no time to reel it in.  _ Did you notice? Did you see how I love you so? _

_ Why did you leave? Did I frighten you? Repulse you? Were you too afraid to tell me that you don't feel the same? Were you too afraid to tell me that you do? _

He supposed it didn’t matter now. There was no way to undo what had already been done. All he could do was move forward and hope for the best. Taking a deep breath, Crowley stowed the thermos safely away in the glove compartment, leaning his head against the seat behind him. Slowly, his amber eyes drifted shut.

_ What the hell have I done? _

* * *

_ Baby won't you take it back _ __   
_ Say you were tryna make me laugh _ __   
_ And nothing has to change today _ __   
_ You didn't mean to say "I love you" _ __   
_ I love you and I don't want to _ _   
_ __ Oh-oh-oh

Aziraphale materialized in his bookshop, a sob ripping out from his chest through his throat and into the empty air around him. Without warning, the angel fell against the couch, arms reaching for the nearest thing - a throw pillow - as he pulled it against his chest.

_ Take it back. Tell me it isn’t true. Tell me I misunderstood. Tell me you didn’t mean to say it. Tell me you didn’t mean to say ‘I love you’. _

Demons couldn’t love. That feeling had been burned out of them as they’d tumbled from heaven. Wings scorched black, hearts turned to coal, never to feel grace or peace or love again.

Crowley was different. Crowley had always been different. From that first moment on the wall, Aziraphale knew he was no threat. Year after year, century after century, they’d come and gone from each other’s lives and Aziraphale had seen proof of just how terrible of a demon Crowley really was.

_ Kids? You can’t kill kids? I showed him all of the kingdoms of the world. Yes, alright, I’ll do that one. My treat. Well, you’re lucky I was in the area. Little demonic miracle of my own. Lift home? _

Was it really so far off base to imagine Crowley could love? Would it really be such a terrible thing?

_ Yes. They’ll kill him. They will destroy him - tear him limb from limb. They will make an example of him, leave him bleeding and broken on the floor. He’ll be in so much pain and it will be all my fault. They’ll take him from me and I’ll never see him again. _

The thought was too much to bear. Sobs wracked Aziraphale’s body as he felt himself spiraling. His lungs gasped for breath he didn’t need and the only thing keeping his arms from shaking were their current ironclad grip on the woven beige pillow. 

_ I love you.  _ The thought resonated within Aziraphale, a tonal that was too loud to muffle any longer. He tried to reel it in, tried to dampen its song, but it was no use. If Gabriel or one of the other angels showed up now, all would be lost.

_ I love you. I love you, Iloveyou. I have loved you for so long, I just never realized that’s what this was. I love you and it’s killing me inside. All I want is to be with you. And the moment I speak it out loud I’ll lose you. Forever.  _

_ I can’t. I can’t live without you. _

He was sinking. The weight of his grief and despair pulling him down under, into the darkness and the cold and emptiness surrounding him. Crowley loved him. The angel loved Crowley back. It couldn’t be true, but it was. And it didn’t matter. The greatest of these is Love. Bringing with it the greatest joy and the greatest pain.

_ Take it back. Say you didn’t mean it. Tell me things don’t have to change. Not today. Not ever. Not until I know you’ll be safe. _

_ I love you. I love you, but I don’t want to. _

* * *

_ Up all night on another red eye _ __   
_ I wish we never learned to fly _ __   
_ I-I-I _ __   
_ Maybe we should just try _ __   
_ To tell ourselves a good lie _ __   
_ I didn't mean to make you cry _ _   
_ __ I-I-I

Crowley never showed his wings in public. Never showed his feelings. Never cried over angels. Apparently he was breaking all the rules tonight.

Darkness stretched on for miles. The night was clear and yet there was not a single star in the sky. No glimmer of light to give away his position. Another little demonic miracle. He couldn’t be spotted. Not now, not like this. It would ruin him.

There was no destination in mind. No end in sight for the feelings welling up inside of him, threatening to overcome, drag him  _ downdowndown  _ into whatever pit awaited him this time. He was falling: slowly, quickly, gently, wildly. A mess of contradictions. He was falling to pieces.

_ I wish I’d never met you. I wish I’d never slithered up onto that stupid wall. I wish I didn’t want you. I wish I didn’t need you.  _

_ I wish I’d never learned what it is to love you. _

_ I wish. I wish. I wish. _

Wind rushed through his ebony feathers, cooling the heat that coursed through his veins. Crowley took a deep breath and tried to quiet his mind. He focused on the cool air around him, the shape of the forests below. 

_ You go to fast for me, Crowley. _

The words stabbed at him like a knife, ripping into his heart, dragging down his chest.  _ Too fast? What does that even mean? How have I gone too fast, angel? I’ve been in love with you for thousands of years and have barely laid a finger on you. How much slower do you want me to go? _

No one was here to answer him, so Crowley flew on, the wind blowing fiery red hair away from his demonic yellow eyes. Eyes that filled with tears but that he refused to let fall. 

The angel’s friendship was enough. Just the chance to be by his side. To talk to him, drink with him. To laugh with him and make him smile. It brought a joy into Crowley’s life that he never thought possible. Not since the sky had opened up beneath his feet and he’d went hurtling a million miles an hour towards the ground. Aziraphale made him happy. Aziraphale gave his life meaning. Aziraphale was his very best friend and it was enough.

It was as good a lie as any. It was one that he could live with.

For now.

* * *

_ Baby won't you take it back _ __   
_ Say you were tryna make me laugh _ __   
_ And nothing has to change today _ __   
_ You didn't mean to say "I love you" _ __   
_ I love you and I don't want to _ _   
_ __ Oh-oh-oh

_ You’re so clever! How can someone as clever as you be so stupid? _

The words came spilling out of his mouth, tumbling over his lips like a rushing waterfall. There was no taking them back, no sucking the rapids back up into the gentle river. Aziraphale’s radiant blue eyes widened, the hurt blindingly bright on his face. The corners of his mouth fell and Crowley could see the sorrow lodge itself in the angel’s throat, cutting off whatever he had planned on saying next.

In the next breath, Aziraphale was speaking again. “I forgive you.”

_ I forgive you, you who are unforgivable. I love you, you who are unlovable. _

It was all too much. Crowley felt tears pricking at the edges of his eyes as the heart he shouldn’t rightfully have began to crumble inside his chest. 

“Oh…” he breathed, pain filling every crevice of his body.  _ Why? Why are you so good when everyone else is not? Why did you show me kindness when everyone else would not? Why did you make me love you? _

Crowley turned away, racing for his car faster than he had ever moved in his life. He had to get away from here. The world was ending, the Antichrist was missing and it was all his fault. All of Hell was coming for him and if he stuck around much longer, he was a dead man.

If he left without his angel, Crowley’s heart would never be whole again.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t.

_ Take it back. Please take it back. You don’t forgive me. You can’t love me. If you loved me, you’d run away with me. But you said ‘no’. Over and over and over again I pleaded with you to come with me to the stars, but you’re staying behind. _

_ You love me, but you love them more.You always have. _

“I’m going home, angel!” Crowley shouted, looking back at the silent, somber creature he’d left in his wake. “I’m getting my stuff and I’m leaving.”  _ See? Do you see me leaving? I’m going to do it. I can’t stay here - they’ll destroy me. Come with me, please. Don’t make me leave you behind. I’ll never see you again. _

“And when I am off in the stars, I won’t even think about you!”

He drove off, racing through the streets of London like a poorly designed obstacle course. Long fingers clutched the leather steering wheel, knuckles white, arms trembling. The scenery passed by in a blur. Crowley saw none of it. He released himself and let the Bentley take over. 

_ Take it back. Please take it back. Don’t tell me that you care for me. Not now. Not after everything we’ve been through. Not if you won’t stay by my side. _

The tears were falling, and this time he didn’t stop them. What was the point of the last day of the world if not for shedding all the tears that should have fallen long ago?

_ The smile that you gave me _ _   
_ _ Even when you felt like dying _

Crowley could still see Aziraphale’s final smile in his mind’s eye.  _ I forgive you. _ So much pain. So much sorrow. He had done that. Had he done that? Had he ruined everything between them by running away? He had to have. That’s what demons were best at doing. Destroying everything that they touched. 

When had the angel last smiled? Really truly smiled? Warlock’s birthday, with all the magic tricks? Learning about Crowley’s little miracle with the paintball guns? Helping out that strange girl with her bike? Whenever it was, it had been far too long.

_ I love you, Aziraphale.  _ If only an angel could hear the prayers of a demon.  _ I love you, but I don’t want to. Not anymore. Not if I’ll die without you ever knowing. Not if I never get to hold you in my arms. _

Why did She make him this way? Why did She put that blasted angel on the wall all those years ago? Why did She send the rain to drive them closer and make him see that angels could still be kind? He could still be cared for, even if he was a demon.

“I love you,” he whispered out loud to no one but the Bentley. It was the first time those words had ever been spoken, and like with all things, he was too late. “I’ll always love you. Even if I don’t want to. I love you. Aziraphale.” _ _

* * *

_ We fall apart as it gets dark _ __   
__ I'm in your arms in Central Park  
__ There's nothing you could do or say  
__ I can't escape the way, I love you  
__ I don't want to, but I love you  
_ Oh-oh-oh  
_ __ Oh-oh-oh

  
  


A dam stands strong night after night. Day after day. Holding firm against the crashing waves. One storm after the next blows in and still the structure refuses to fall. But even the strongest dam, after six thousand years, starts to crumble. Eventually, there will come a storm too strong to weather and the tidewaters will come flooding out.

They walked across the threshold of Crowley’s apartment. Aziraphale shut the door behind them with his free hand. There would be no miracles tonight. They were both too exhausted to will anything into being. Too afraid to give away their position. It was only a matter of time before they were caught. And after the capture came the punishment.

Aziraphale’s other hand was still intertwined with Crowley’s. It found its way there on the bus ride from Tadfield and the angel hadn’t let go since. He vowed never to let go. Not as long as Crowley would still have him.

The lights remained off. Neither one of them turned them on. They could see well enough in the dark. Darkness was safer. Darkness did not draw in wandering eyes like the light. 

Crowley was leading him. The demon stopped in the center of the living room, hand tightening around Aziraphale’s. For a moment, there was only silence. A garden of vegetation stood around them. Lush plants with broad leaves and colorful flowers. Not a single one trembled. They stood quietly and watched as the angel fixed his bright blue eyes on his friend and waited to hear what the demon had to say. 

“Angel, I - “ the voice broke off as Crowley’s throat closed with emotion. Aziraphale felt tears filling his eyes, rolling down his cheeks before he had a chance to rein them in. He waited with bated breath, heart crying out to Crowley.

_ Turn around. Turn around and let me see your eyes. Let me feel your love. Do you still love me? Am I too late? Please, I love you. _

It was a pity demons couldn’t hear the prayers of angels.

The demon took in a deep, shuddering breath. He loosened his grip on Aziraphale’s hand. “The bedroom is down that hall, if you wanted to rest. And there’s food in the pantry. Help yourself to whatever you need, angel.”

_ You. I need you. _ The hand was slipping from his grasp and Aziraphale was falling. He was tumbling through the sky, air ripped from his lungs. Free falling with no one there below to catch him. 

“Crowley - “ he managed to choke out before the despair overtook him. In an instant, the demon had whirled around, wrapping his arms around Aziraphale, pulling him close. The angel clung to Crowley’s chest, fingers grasping at his back where he knew a pair of gorgeous black wings were tucked away. “Crowley, my dear, I am so sorry.”

“Sorry? Angel, whatever for?” Crowley soothed. Aziraphale cried. Angel and demon held each other close, tenderly, as if the world were about to end. The world had, in fact, just been saved from such a fate, but the nightmare was not over. Not for them.

_ I love you. I’ve ignored you for so long. Kept you at arms length. Denied your friendship. Rejected your love. Kept my feelings hidden away, never once telling you how I felt.  _

“I take it back,” the angel murmured, pressing his lips into Crowley’s neck. This was the closest he’d ever been to the demon. The brush of skin against skin sent shockwaves down his spine. He wanted  _ more. _ “I didn’t mean it. Not any of it. Crowley,  _ dearest, _ you are my very best friend. Please, you have to know that.”

“Shhh,” the demon murmured, resting his fingers in Aziraphale’s hair. “Angel, I know. It’s alright.”

_ I love you. _

Aziraphale felt it, as pure and strong as the first time. Love washed off Crowley in waves, knocking into the angel like a storm surge. His knees buckled under each blow, but Aziraphale managed to hold himself up. He gasped, tears of relief flooding his eyes.

“Oh Crowley - “ his breath hitched and the sound was cut off. Aziraphale leaned back and gazed up at those beautiful amber eyes through the flood in his eyes. Pupils blown wide, hint of white completely vanished. He lost himself in them, reaching a hand up to brush the side of Crowley’s face, bringing it down to meet his own.

_ I love you. I need you. My darling, my very best friend. You are everything to me. I can’t help it. I can’t escape this. I was doomed from the start. This way I feel for you. I won’t ever be able to stop. _

Aziraphale poured all the love he had to give into that kiss. Their lips pressed together and fire spread across his body, through his veins, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. He could feel Crowley melting into his embrace, molding his lithe body against Aziraphale’s shape, filling in all the crevices, making sure no spot was left untouched. 

“Angel, I love you,” Crowley breathed as they parted, only for a second before diving in for more. Aziraphale’s hands slid to the back of the demon’s neck, fingers tangling at the base of his hair. “I’ve loved you for so long.”

“Me too,” Aziraphale breathed back as he traced his lips down Crowley’s jaw, his neck, his throat. The demon moaned with pleasure and Aziraphale smiled against his pale skin. “I wanted to tell you so many times, my dear, but I couldn’t. I - “

Crowley silenced him with another kiss. They didn’t need to discuss that now. Both knew what had been at stake then. Both knew what was at stake now. They knew what they were up against, and they knew it was going to take every ounce of what they had left to make it through the next day alive.

For now, however, for now all they had was each other.

It was enough. It had always been enough.

“Stay with me?” A voice asked into the darkness. Soft and gentle and full of hope and longing. 

“Always,” came the response. Sure and strong and filled with love.

_ There’s nothing you could do or say. I can’t escape the way I love you. _

_ I love you. _

  
  
  


_ Oh-oh-oh _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

_ Oh-oh-oh _

**Author's Note:**

> Amazing song. You should check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvj6PE3gN4o


End file.
